Monday, November 8, 2010

Advertising Supplement/Restaurants/Hoffman's Delicatessen


Hoffman's Delicatessen

While Mort Central and Uptown boast an almost countless selection of dining choices, Suburbia is home to one of the successful independent eateries on Mort: Hoffman's Delicatessen. The d├ęcor is strictly utilitarian with plastic tables and chairs and white tiles floors and walls. Pictures and news clippings of celebrities and Operatives are scattered on the walls. Hoffman's, however, does not lack atmosphere. Abe Hoffman and his staff fill the shop with lively chatter about sports, politics and life on Mort in general. Like The Pit, Hoffman's maintains a strict “no weapons or heavy armor” policy. Facilities are not even provided for their temporary storage.

“Why do I do it? I run a deli, not a farkakt shooting gallery! Leave that drek in your car or at home. And these armor suits, OY! You'd think they were going to Cannibal Sector One and not for a nosh. You don't need five hundred pounds of ceramic to eat my Reuben. The worst that could happen to you here is a bit of gas. And that's just because the sauerkraut is so fresh! We use only fresh ingredients here.”

      • Abe Hoffman, age 67

Hoffman's claims of freshness appear to be accurate. The constant lines at the counter indicate his food is as good as he claims. His suppliers are a closely guarded secret. The Shivers and Operatives refuse to look into it for fear they might find some illegal activity that will shut down the deli.

“Who knows where he gets his stuff from? It could be Randolph Logistics. Hell, it could be Thresher making nightly deliveries via powersuit drop. I don't know and don't intend to find out. I'm not doing anything to risk my daily knish.”

      • Shiver Sergeant (name withheld by request)

In the end, Hoffman keeps his nose clean and his food fresh and delicious. Hoffman's serves traditional deli fare. Comfort foods are the order of the day with a fine selection of meats and cheeses, bagels and bialies, and assorted breads, soups and sandwiches. For over forty years Hoffman has faithfully served the people of Mort, gladly joining the Racial Equality Program.

“And why not? Stormers and Shaktars? Absolutely. It warms the heart to watch the big boys eat. Such appetites! And so polite. Wraiths? A dream customer. Rare brisket, what could be easier? The Frothers can be a bit meshuge, but what can you do? You don't complain about people who buy macaroons by the gross. Ebons? A bit tightly wound but such sheyn ponems! Brain Wasters? They can be schmucks sometimes but can't we all? They behave if they want to eat. I bet even Carrien would play nice here. You can't be mad at anyone when you have a bagel and schmear with a nice piece of lox.”

      • Abe Hoffman, age 67

Hoffman's Deli is located in Suburbia; Maxwell Sector; Laughann's Walk 4213. Open 5am-Midnight daily.

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